It’s Okay, I have the Check Book

This morning was the first day of the new school year and did I spend it reviling in regained freedom from fighting or tears from letting my babies go? Nope. I spent it in a panicked state at the doctors office. I hate to admit that I was that concerned but pride be damned, I was worried.

Worried because last night I went to bed with a few bumps on my chin thinking I was getting acne. Worried because all night I had dreams of being bitten by ants, having spiders crawl on me and another dream of me being forced to wear a woolen union suit while singing “Tiny Dancer” Of course in my mind the song is sung as “Hold Me Closer Tony Danza”   I know, I know…just when you think the level of weirdness of my life can go no higher….it goes to Eleven.

Returning to my story now… I awoke in a damn near panic when I found that my neck, chest and face were covered in raised, itchy, red welts.

No, this was not good. I don’t have any serious allergies and I have not been trapsing in the bush so this was unexpected and bad….very bad. I called my doctor and she suggested I come in just after I dropped the girls off at school. I had the entire car ride to sit and stew about what my options were in regards to my new acquired illness.

Dear God, it’s Measles. I bet it’s Measles. Those miserable lunatic anti-Vaxer nut jobs have finally done it and given me Measles. Twenty minutes of traffic jammed madness later and I had warped myself into quite the frenzy.  I was practically chewing on the steering wheel as I pulled in to the doctor’s parking lot.

Once checked in I decided to wait outside on the covered porch in case I was contagious. The waiting room was full and I was nervous that if I did have something horrible I would pass it along. Got a few weird looks for standing out in the rain, but my self-induced martyrdom shielded me. ” I’m doing this for you!!!” I screamed back through the window (well, in my head that is) “Just say thank you!!”
As I stood in damp exile I started to ponder again about having Measles. My God, what would I do? I have incredible friends and I know they would do what they could but be realistic…..they have their own lives. No, this would be a disaster.

On top of it all, not only would I be sick, but I would be incarcerated for beating the hell out of the first anti-Vaxer I could get my hands on.

It’s true.That’s the idea that ripped through my brain. I thought it, accepted it as a fact and rapidly began to plan for the outcome. I was going to jail. I wasn’t upset about the jail part.  That was simply the inevitable outcome of a scenario in which I contracted Measles.

As quickly as my plan formed a memory of my father popped into my head. Years after I left high school my mom told me once about a time my dad was going to solve a problem I had.  It seems that when I was 17 I had my heartbroken by a boy (I know, hardly original) and I spent a few days sobbing on the couch. I’m sure ice cream was involved. Part way through one of sobbing episodes my mother looked out the front window to see my dad heading to the car. Leaning out the window she asked where he was going.

With great calmness and decisiveness of purpose he announced that,” Cecelia was still crying so he was going to beat the shit out of the little bastard.” My mom, not usually not for her calm nature but understanding the severity of the situation, spoke in relaxing, even tones to remind him that he couldn’t go beating up a teen age boy, that he would get arrested. My father stopped again, and replied, “No, no. It’s okay, I have the check book with me.” He knew perfectly well that it was wrong to beat his daughter’s boyfriend to a bloody pulp and he was willing to accept the consequences. He was bring the check book to post bail. It was the price he was willing to pay.

I saw the doctor and I do not have Measles. FYI, measles is not itchy, I did not know that. I am having an allergic reaction to something. I have medications now and all should be well. Unless it’s the start of a new developing allergy and I may be beginning a life-long process of itchy hell.  Either is an option. Personally, I’m hoping for option number one.

I did learn something about myself today, however. I am prepared to pay the consequences for my actions. If I or one of my children end up catching one of these hideous diseases because someone is trying to have their fifteen minutes of ill-deserved fame, I have no problem knocking them into next week. Hell, I’ve got a contingency plan started for it. Sure I’ll end up in jail, but at least I will have done something.  Something positive in my book.

I accept that it’s not the most adult or mature way to handle the situation. However maturity, logic and education combined hasn’t been terribly helpful in reigning in these wackos. Perhaps a little wall-to-wall counselling is in order after all. I bet I could get away with it. All If have to do is plead genetics. It’s in my blood, I have no choice. If it was good enough for my old man, it’s good enough for me.

So This Happened This Morning

I have one of those large open showers in my master bathroom.  You have to step up and then step down into a ridiculously large spa tub. The water comes down and sprays all over you, the tub, the steps, the floor, the walls….you understand.

Needless to say there is an overwhelming sensation of exposure.  Doesn’t help that there is a huge window next to the tub.  Mercifully it’s frosted, but there is an insidious feeling of “HI! I’m naked in a tub here!” as you wash away the dirt and grime of the day.

If that isn’t enough to damper your ablutions experience, since I am in Australia and live right next to the bush there is always the threat of one of Mother Nature’s Finest making an appearance.  Today, she outdid herself.

I’ve taken to keeping my glasses as close as possible since the Great Lizard Incident of 2014. If you are honest with yourself, I think you really don’t need to ask for details of this incident.  I think you can piece it together.  This morning I had begun shampooing my hair when I noticed that Monty was running around chasing a large brown blob.  This was odd for two reasons.  One: Monty doesn’t care for running.  He subscribes to the “I don’t hurry, I make others hurry” theory of Life.  Two: The blob was too big to be a sock or other lifeless object.

Scrambling for my glasses as my 20/400 vision isn’t helpful for identification I find that oh my, Monty is chasing our friend the Australian Hopping mouse.  Oh Marvy.  I’m butt-naked, in the tub and the damn cat is spinning in circles with a surprisingly quick mouse between me and the door.  Even if I wanted to make a break for freedom I can’t.  So I stand there cheering for my hero to smite the bastard.  Sir Monty chases the evil demon out the door and into my bedroom.  From out there I hear a resounding…silence. Five hours or seconds later Monty meanders back in the bathroom, looks and me and starts mewling for his breakfast. The mouse is no where to be seen.

Right at this moment I looked down into the tub and notice a rather large back spider, about the size of a 50 cent piece clinging for dear life in one of the drains of the spa.  I have been showering with a spider and I didn’t know it.

From the depths of my clearly damaged mind it occurred to me that if I was a part of a Native American tribe I would most likely be named “Showers with Spiders” and that made me laugh.  I know, I am mentally challenged, but to be fair, I have never denied this fact.  I giggle long enough for me to slide to the far edge of the tub to sit down and if I can be painfully honest…I sat and had a good, long, soul-wrenching cry.

Then I stood up, removed the shower head, brought it down to the bottom of the tub and blasted Charlotte’s tougher cousin back to Mother Nature’s warm bosom.  I left the bathroom, got dressed and locked Monty in the room with the mouse.  Told him that breakfast was take away this morning.

I am not going back upstairs until I have a proof of death on Mickey. If I sleep downstairs the rest of my life, that’s cool.

Words Fail Me

Quite literally.  Words are failing me right now.  I have no words to write with and it feels just painful not to write.  Life is a bit too much right now.  If my mother was alive she would say that I’m in one of my “moods”….I suppose she would be right.

Just as I thought things were turning around I woke up to having to rush my son to the physio as yet again, he’s injured himself.  Just a sprain, nothing serious.  Just enough to flip my world upside down and mess it all up.  But nothing serious.

I can’t keep writing that my life is busy, messy or just a pain.  No one wants to read that and Lord knows, I don’t want to write that.  So instead I will cheat.  Here are some pictures from the last few months…the months I have not been writing about.  These are glimpses into my life and what goes on.  Some events were wonderful…some a bit less than wonderful. Here they are, see for yourself.

Aussie Farmer's Direct FullSizeRender IMG_1607 IMG_2315 IMG_2375 IMG_2378 IMG_2398 IMG_2430 IMG_2432 IMG_2469 IMG_2494 IMG_2530 IMG_2553 IMG_2561 IMG_2567 IMG_2591 IMG_2597 IMG_2629 IMG_2660 IMG_2691

The Laundry Fairy is Coming!

In less than 24 hours the Laundry Fairy and her galant consort will be on the ground in Australia.

This is a woman who washes clothes, hangs them, takes them down, folds them and outs them away. ALL IN THE SAME DAY. She is a miracle worker.

She can not stand the site of dirty dishes in the sink. Just the site really bothers her. Know what she does? She washes them. Washes them with no snotty comments about them being left there or gentle suggestions on how I could best avoid the pile up in the future. She just washes them.

My in-laws together provide free, qualified, non-snarling babysitting. There are no words to describe the true value of this commodity.

That high pitched shrieking sound my daughters make when they fight, cry, talk or wail? She thinks that’s cute and she giggles. GIGGLES, it’s unholy.

When I cook one of my dreaded dinners that everyone hates, can you guess what she says? “This is wonderful. Thank you so much.” She actually appears to be sincere too!

I haven’t been this happy since….well…the last time they came to visit. Oh rejoice! The Laundry Fairy is coming!!

Who’s Keeping Score?

We’re having a house inspection pretty soon; I can just feel it in my bones.  Just waiting for the letter from the real estate agent to come in the mail.  While I’m waiting for the notice I’ve been trying to do a bit of maintenance throughout the house and yard.  Not too much, just enough to show that we are maintaining the property to the highest blah blah yadda yadda standards.

It’s only the threat of possible eviction that has me up high trying to prune some trees.  Surely nothing else would lead me to lean out over the 2nd story balcony and try to trim a branch dangerously overgrown and interfering with electrical wires.  Nothing else I can think off.

During my little mission I got another fun lesson on Australia Fauna.  It’s been forty eight hours since my last one; clearly I was due.  That’s when I learned there’s a bug that looks exactly like a piece of bark.  Who knew?  I didn’t.  That is of course, until it moved and raced with lightening speed towards my hacksaw trying to defend it’s home.  Then I figured it rather quickly. I am proud of the fact that the saw landed on the balcony and not down on the ground when I flung it away in terror.  I’d like to take credit for having planned that….but we all know it’s a lie.  My good friends will accept that lie, the rest of you can just lump it.

No, there’s no drama here, I have other dangerous branches my real estate agent isn’t willing to pay to have removed, I’ll tackle those ones.

Climbing up onto my chair, ’cause just being on a second story balcony wasn’t terrifying enough I needed that extra push into the Shrieking Horror Zone, I brought a chair to stand even higher on which to reach the trees.  Oh yeah, eviction is a powerful motivator.  I notice the lovely birds gathering around me.  Staring the pretty things I suddenly realized that there seemed to an awful lot of them.  Five, six, no eight minor birds, collecting themselves in group of branches right next to me.  Hmmm, that seems a bit odd.  Just as I was spinning (while on the chair remember) they began their birdsong call.

I’m being kind here.  Birdsong is not really accurate a description.  I’m reminded of the time I went to Brownie camp as a child.  There were forty or so of us girls hiking a hill in rural Pennsyvania and the sound emitted when it was announced there was no food brought…well it was a high-pitched wail….the kind that makes your teeth itch.  Combining that memory with the sound my darling Tessi bellowed when she learned that Connor had borrowed her dress without asking first….yes….that’s the kind of pain that was shredding my inner ears.

I began to hate those birds.  Very quickly.  Turns out they were hating something as well.  Monty cat came sauntering up along the balcony rail and simply sat at stared at the wailing fowl.  I don’t know what he did, but man there are some pissed off birds in my yard.  As I like him better than I like the birds I gently encouraged the birds to leave.  Since no one was around to rat on me I am labeling grabbing the closest tree branch to the little mob and screaming obscenities until they left as “gentle encouragement”.  I’m a real Australian now, I’m allowed to hate the minor birds. Ask around, the only bird more hated is the cockatoo.

After Hitchcock’s muses tore off I returned to the task at hand.  I was going to get some branches down.  Looking straight above my head I started sawing away with my trusty saw and that’s when I noticed a transparent sleeve looking thing.  I think the Latin name is Bigus Damnus Snakeskinus.

I looked at the skin. It’s pretty far up in the tree, it’s within the realm of possibility that I’ve seen t incorrectly.  Do snakes even shed their skins in winter here?  Regardless, I’m not getting any closer to see what it is.  I turned and looked at the branches growing into the wires.  I looked all the way down to the grown and wondered….do I really want to risk these branches growing further and risking a possible electrical fire?  Am I so frightened by my surroundings that I am willing risk such a danger? What about my desire to appease the real estate agent?  Was I capable of throwing that all away?

Obviously, the answer is yes.  I climbed down off of my chair, pulled everything inside and sobbed quietly into my tea.

Aussie Mother Nature: 437

My Candy Ass: 0

I’m cool with it.